EXCERPTS FROM 'THE SERVICE OTTERS ALMANAC' NAME: Cousin Austin DESCRIPTION: Titanium white suit, goggles often worn on his forehead as an affectation NOTES: Styling himself as something of an inventor, and an admirer of Uncle Boz, Cousin Austin is the inventor of the "ballger gag": a ballgag designed to resemble a hamburger with a flexible penetrable tunnel through the middle, so one can have oral sex with the submissive whilst also seeming to fuck a burg. Boz owns the first prototype of this, proudly presented by Austin personally: the older otter was politely supportive of Austin's ambitions whilst privately confiding to friends that he only ever tried it once and found it didn't replicate the feeling of fucking an actual burg at all STATUS: Deceased. Whilst testing a new prototype on himself, accidentally inhaled a piece of silicone "lettuce" and asphyxiated ~~~ NAME: Cousin Belinda DESCRIPTION: Indian yellow suit, blonde ponytail, ring through upper lip NOTES: Cousin Belinda is a friendly, lively person, very easy to get along with, which mostly allows others to overlook her bizarre religious belief (outlined on her youtube series 'Genius Loci') that the Tower itself is God made manifest on Earth STATUS: Assigned to upper Tower levels only by order of Tower Management, to keep her apart from Cousin Callum ~~~ NAME: Cousin Callum DESCRIPTION: Cadmium yellow suit, "twitchy" manner NOTES: Notoriously on edge all the time, to the extent that you would be forgiven for thinking he was coked out of his mind, Cousin Callum's years working as a service otter within the guts of the Tower have led him to ALSO believe that the Tower is the earthly manifestation of God; however in a completely DIFFERENT way to how Cousin Belinda thinks the Tower is God. This puts them constantly at odds with one another, to the extent that they have to be separated at all times. Callum's beliefs can be learned about on his weekly podcast 'Tower Of Gay Babel' STATUS: Assigned to lower Tower levels only by order of Tower Management, to keep him apart from Cousin Belinda ~~~ NAME: Uncle Dez DESCRIPTION: Rainbow striped suit, prominent black sideburns NOTES: Uncle Dez, or "Uncle D," has the biggest penis any service otter's ever been recorded as having. People call him "two tails" STATUS: Seriously it's so big. Can he even have sex with it? Seems like it'd break the other guy's pelvis ~~~ NAME: Cousin Errol DESCRIPTION: Opalescent blue suit, dreadlocks that he probably shouldn't have? It's hard to tell what counts as cultural appropriation when it's otters NOTES: Errol is the worst soundcloud rapper you've ever heard. He's just so bad. You should just go back and read about Uncle D's dick again instead of whatever Errol's doing STATUS: He will never get more than five plays on any song he ever uploads ~~~ NAME: Cousin Fez DESCRIPTION: Bright red suit, knitted beanie cap hiding the fact that he's developing a monk dime NOTES: Cousin Fez has a longstanding interest in the arts, and especially performance arts, citing amongst his influences the Aktionists, Fluxus, COUM Transmissions, GG Allin, Carolee Schneemann and the Chuckle Brothers. This led to him being signed by the Hole Residency Program, the first service otter to do so, for which everyone was very proud STATUS: Barred from the Tower after his debut performance at Hole Gallery ended with a fatality ~~~ NAME: Cousin Gwen DESCRIPTION: Dark sienna suit, metallic-dyed hair extensions NOTES: With her creative output combining her love of photography with her love of inserting large and unfeasible objects into herself, Cousin Gwen attracted a lot of attention from Hole Gallery and could well have been the first service otter to have their own show there, had things been different STATUS: Deceased. There was an incident with a golf umbrella that nobody wants to talk about. Tower Management maintains that as the golf umbrella was only found ON Tower property but was not actually Tower property itself, they are not legally culpable for the accident ~~~ NAME: Aunt Henrietta DESCRIPTION: Charcoal grey suit, spectacles, perspires a lot NOTES: An aspiring author, Aunt Henrietta has a frustrating tendency to loudly draw everyone's attention to the fact that she's writing a novel only to clam up awkwardly when asked anything about the contents. Leaked excerpts reveal it's crossover fanfic in which Paddington, Rupert and the core cast of The Wind In The Willows go on an epic quest together and also fuck each other constantly in elaborate fetish outfits STATUS: In a coma ever since Cousin Eddie suggested she could use an editor ~~~ NAME: Cousin Inga DESCRIPTION: Potleaf-print suit, colourful party wigs NOTES: A total spacecase, Inga loves to do nothing more than to blaze up and talk about aliens in the thickest Bavarian accent imaginable. She's no harm to anyone, it's just a nuisance if she decides to chill out in the middle of a walkway that she thought wasn't in use STATUS: Cousin Inga really doesn't do much on the job but gets away with it by being everyone else's connection for weed ~~~ NAME: Uncle Jez DESCRIPTION: Sap green suit, bushy red beard and hair NOTES: Uncle Jez got stuck somewhere in a maze of depreciated service tunnels for several days, after which he was never the same man. He claimed to have been shown a vision of God, who was an outrageously buff fox with a flawlessly oiled beard and hair. This has caused unrest with both Tower-God proselytes STATUS: Assigned to mid Tower levels only to keep him apart from Belinda and Callum ~~~ NAME: Aunt Kim DESCRIPTION: Midnight black suit, beehive hairdo and glasses that make her look like a Far Side character NOTES: Aunt Kim just went out and left one day. We don't really know what that's about. She doesn't keep in touch STATUS: No idea. Could be anywhere. Could be behind you right now ~~~ NAME: Uncle Lez DESCRIPTION: Pale grey suit, false moustache (when in-character as "Lester") NOTES: Uncle Lez is a loveable bloke as long as you're comfortable with his overwhelming enthusiasm for being cuckolded. Lez is such a far-gone cuckold that he won't actually have sex with his own wife unless it's in the guise of "Lester," her much superior bit on the side. Lez is capable of arguing for hours about why this constitutes "legitimate" cucking, best just not to get him started. This has been going on for twenty years now STATUS: On his second notice for pestering Tower patrons to fuck his wife ~~~ NAME: Aunt Matilda DESCRIPTION: Ultramarine suit, hair in a bun due to her fondness for "granny chic" NOTES: Uncle Lez's wife. Similar to her husband, Aunt Matilda is a lot of fun if you don't mind her extremely unfiltered social etiquette. If he's within earshot her rumbustious conversation is liable to slide into talking about how small and weak her husband's penis is, making it only a matter of time before the fidgeting, humiliated Lez disappears and "Lester" turns up with his fake moustache to sweep her away "whilst the cuckold is busy crywanking elsewhere" STATUS: On her third notice for failing the Bechdel test ~~~ NAME: Cousin Neil DESCRIPTION: Van Dyke brown suit, albinism NOTES: Cousin Neil routinely sneaks into the freezer at Bummersley's to defecate in the chocolate icecream cartons as a protest against Tower Management, but the joke's on him as the staff at Bummersley's just quarantine his leavings to serve to the especially terrible guests as 'deluxe chocolate gateau,' but the joke's on them as wealthy coprophages just treat the staff even more abominably than usual to ensure they get served shit right there in the restaurant STATUS: He's fine. He thinks the reason various staff and patrons keep quizzing him about his dietary habits and making suggestions is because they're ignorant about albinism ~~~ NAME: Owen DESCRIPTION: Dayglo orange suit, rusty red plumage NOTES: Owen is not an otter. He's a chicken. It's not clear how he got the job, but he's not likely to go any time soon as his taste for extremely degrading 24/7 power exchange and servitude makes it easy for Tower Management to badly overwork and underpay him STATUS: The Service Otters Union is debating whether it's ethical to demand Owen's dismissal due to the troubling precedent he sets ~~~ NAME: Aunt Pauline DESCRIPTION: Pthalo blue suit, long black hair with grey strands, spectacles NOTES: Aunt Pauline is a gentle and creative soul, a lifelong clarinettist. Once a month she likes to indulge in a carefully measured cocktail of peyote, ayahuasca, psilocibin, cannabis, LSD, DMT, GHB, MDMA, datura, cocaine, red wine and opium that she calls her "silly juice," then sit on one of the upper balconies of the Tower and play the clarinet long into the early hours of the morning STATUS: Tower Management is currently hedging its bets on whether Aunt Pauline's hip status with the spiritual jazz set will offset the neighbours' noise complaints ~~~ NAME: Cousin Quentin DESCRIPTION: Neon blue suit, rings in both ears NOTES: Interested in a broad range of topics including philosophy and sociology, anyone with access to the Tower intranet can still find several circulating drafts of Cousin Quentin's unfinished work: "So Are The Rubber Suits Meant To Be For Hygiene? Do All Otters Just Have A Rubber Fetish? Does The Management? What's With That?" This work is presently abandoned as Cousin Quentin has come to believe that the entire world is a webcomic by an Australian and that it has no "arc of history" beyond how that man improvises its past and future on the fly STATUS: Suspended from duties as Tower Management is running out of options to keep the otters with bizarre spiritual beliefs apart from one another ~~~ NAME: Cousin Rachael DESCRIPTION: Candyfloss pink suit, red hair with a black stripe dyed in it NOTES: Cousin Rachael is an academically trained psychologist and published author. She says she works in the Tower out of class solidarity but it may be because she also has a fetish for degrading work mopping up cum STATUS: Seeking a publisher for her next book 'Other Gods/Otter Gods,' an in-depth examination of how the pressures of the Tower and its internal culture cause service otters to develop delusions about strange deities or controlling forces ~~~ NAME: Cousin Sven DESCRIPTION: Plum purple suit, wire-rimmed glasses, bald patch NOTES: Cousin Sven was just a baby back in 1991. His howls woke the neighbourhood, they had his parents done for negligence or cruelty (I forget which one) and the Tower took custody of their sickly son. No-one ever dreamed one day he would become... ...These notes seem to be just the barely modified lyrics to "King Strut" by Peter Blegvad. Please excuse me, I need to sort this out STATUS: [sound of angrily rifling through files and papers and grunting to oneself] ~~~ NAME: Cousin Todd DESCRIPTION: Bright blue suit, "trademark" hunting cap that's slightly too big for his head NOTES: Cousin Todd does nothing but masturbate for hours at a time; originally as an end in itself, and lately for his OtterFans account where he has a growing fanbase. He hasn't shown up for his shifts in nearly three years. Medical scientists have applied to study Todd's penis to understand how he hasn't turned his banger into mash by now STATUS: The only reason Todd is still employed is because Tower Management has lost track of how many service otters there are and what they're supposed to be doing ~~~ NAME: Uncle Uther DESCRIPTION: Prussian blue suit, grizzled exterior NOTES: Uncle Uther's dreams have lately come true as his lifelong fetishes for a) hardbitten men of the sea and b) fish have both been fulfilled by his marriage to a salty old sea dog who is also a dog FISH (actually a carp) STATUS: In intensive care after an ill-advised threesome with his husband and an "over-enthusiastic" piranha ~~~ NAME: Aunt Vanessa DESCRIPTION: Alizarin crimson suit, prominent facial scar from a childhood accident whilst recording a safety PSA about the dangers of ironing boards NOTES: Aunt Vanessa is a pleasant person beneath her no-nonsense manner, but it's hard to realise that due to her tendency to speak in unintelligibly guttural growls interspersed with sharp emotive shrieks. This has however made her the ideal frontwoman for Bowel Puncher, the extreme metal band who exclusively play gigs in the dark rooms at gay bars and fetish nightclubs STATUS: On tour in Brazil in support of their third album, 'Eat/Fuck/Both' ~~~ NAME: Cousin Wez DESCRIPTION: Powder blue suit, dog collar NOTES: Formerly a talkative child, Cousin Wez was adept at doing different accents but began to believe in his twenties that he had "forgotten his way back" and could no longer do his own voice, leading him to become a very hesitant speaker. It's probable that his pup-play habits stem from being able to bark and growl instead of saying words. For further reading on this matter please consult 'The Otter Who Lost His Voice' by Cousin Rachael STATUS: Deceased following an accident at Cousin Fez's debut performance at Hole Gallery ~~~ NAME: Cousin Xerxes DESCRIPTION: Camo print suit, extremely snaggly teeth NOTES: Having looked up to both Cousin Fez and Cousin Wez, Cousin Xerxes had quite a serious emotional crisis in the aftermath of the accident, but ultimately resumed his own creative career with hopes that he might one day (with his art combining dadaist détournement with his sincerely held fondness for household decorative kitsch) be the first service otter to have a non-fatal show at Hole Gallery STATUS: Deceased. Circumstances unknown despite one account that: "he got fucked so hard by this big buff fox guy that it came outta the top of his head like a sperm whale hahaha!" ~~~ NAME: Cousin Yelene DESCRIPTION: Pthalo green suit? We think? NOTES: We have no idea. As the rhyme goes: "Cousin Yelene has never been seen-ah" STATUS: There is evidence to suggest that Cousin Yelene is a work of fiction ~~~ NAME: Cousin Zak DESCRIPTION: Raspberry suit, otherwise unremarkable NOTES: Cousin Zak was perhaps the most vanilla and introverted of all service otters, up until accidentally taking a sip of Aunt Pauline's silly juice. Afterwards his world was transformed, awakening his consciousness to to the vast interconnectedness of the universe and granting him harmonious cosmic bliss STATUS: Deceased. Zak leapt off the tower under the influence of the silly juice, believing he would become a seagull and fly away